1
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:29,446
You think he's gonna propose?
Ugh, what a bummer.

2
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,991
Okay, yeah. I'll talk to you later.

3
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:37,995
Hey.

4
00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,540
Welcome to yesterday.

5
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:45,587
I'm so glad you made it.
And look at that, great posture.

6
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:46,796
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

7
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,840
Not a lot of people at this party
can say that.

8
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,260
- Come on, I'll show you around.
- It's a cool place.

9
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:01,978
<i>♪ I've got the strength
But you feel it, oh ♪</i>

10
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,897
Why do you think this is happening to us?

11
00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:07,776
I'm... I'm pretty sure
that it's purgatorial punishment

12
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,736
for being a bad person.

13
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,947
What is this bad person?

14
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:16,910
I mean, you know, there's Hitler
and then there's, uh, everybody else.

15
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:19,621
Even Wile E. Coyote.

16
00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:22,165
Yeah, he's out there.
He's looking for a hot meal.

17
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,627
- Are you having a stroke?
- No. Uh...

18
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,546
That guy that Beatrice
cheated on me with, he's here.

19
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:31,424
- Don't look.
- Just take it easy, all right?

20
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:35,011
Point him out later,
and I'll bust his fucking knee caps, okay?

21
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:39,182
But for now, you and me got bigger fish
to fry. Life and death stuff, huh.

22
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,520
- Geez.
- Eh.

23
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,230
What is that?

24
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:48,691
My new theory is that it's
an incredibly dense gravitational field

25
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,320
that's gaining consciousness
and is now deliberately fucking with us.

26
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:56,116
Kind of the black hole meets
<i>They Shoot Horses, Don't They?</i>

27
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,827
Yeah, my bathroom
doesn't have a black hole, so...

28
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:01,955
This isn't gonna be very fun
if you keep rejecting my theories.

29
00:02:02,038 --> 00:02:02,956
You rejected mine.

30
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:05,667
Yeah, because it was
morally simplistic and narcissistic.

31
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:09,838
I mean, the universe is moral,
but it shares your views on morality.

32
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,177
We'll try your way.

33
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:18,596
Oh, great.

34
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,682
- What were you doing in there?
- Who is this guy?

35
00:02:20,765 --> 00:02:24,853
Uh, have I ever done anything, you know,
memorably bad to either of you?

36
00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:28,106
Yeah, you said I shouldn't adopt
those two Neapolitan mastiff puppies

37
00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:29,309
'cause I have a small space,

38
00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,943
but they needed a home
and I could've made some changes.

39
00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:33,736
Okay. Do you want to get in on this?

40
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,699
Oh, no, no. I love that you're a cunt.
It makes me feel morally superior.

41
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:39,951
Okay, that's a good way
to not judge people.

42
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,578
Is there anything else?

43
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:42,495
- Yeah.
- Who?

44
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:43,454
- Gina.
- Okay.

45
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:46,791
When you said Gina wasn't really my type,
I really took that to heart.

46
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,627
I mean, if it weren't for you,
I'd be married. I'd be living upstate.

47
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:52,839
I'd be raising two mastiffs.
I'd have a completely different life.

48
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:55,800
- Shall we open it up to the group?
- Yeah, that's a great idea.

49
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:58,136
Okay, okay. No problem.

50
00:02:58,970 --> 00:02:59,971
Ding dong.

51
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,266
Gather 'round, gather 'round.

52
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:07,228
Great to see you and you and also you.
Okay, so hi.

53
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:08,563
Me from the party.

54
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,273
I just want to say...

55
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:15,570
thank you all so much
for coming to celebrate tonight.

56
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,905
What good people. Uh...

57
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,281
It means a lot to me,

58
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:21,367
and something else
that also means a lot to me

59
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:25,872
would be if you would tell me
if you think I'm a bad person,

60
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:29,250
or maybe I've committed
some serious misdeeds,

61
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:32,045
and you could come
and talk to me about that tonight

62
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,172
would be super fucking hot. Okay?

63
00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:38,468
For my birthday,
tell me if I'm a bad person.

64
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:39,427
Okay, cool.

65
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:42,180
- Uh, thank you so much, Nadia.
- Thank you.

66
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:45,099
I would like to dedicate this night
to Chong, my uncle,

67
00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:47,644
who also had a hard time saying thank you.

68
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,438
To Chong.

69
00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:52,941
- Love you, Chung.
- Chong.

70
00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,359
- Chong.
- Chong. Chong.

71
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,406
This is why she's acting like this.

72
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:03,910
Okay, check it out.

73
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:06,553
I gave everybody here an opportunity
to tell me I'm a bad person.

74
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:11,042
Nobody did it because I fucking rule,
so... there goes your theory.

75
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,877
- Hey.
- Hey.

76
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:13,878
It's been a while.

77
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,672
Yeah, I guess for you it has, huh?

78
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:17,548
You look... You look real fantastic.

79
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,272
Well, I wear the same thing all the time.

80
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,134
Hey, man.

81
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:21,886
- Hey.
- I'm John.

82
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:22,970
Oh, this is Alan.

83
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:26,599
He's basically a child that the universe
has tasked me with babysitting.

84
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:29,018
- Would you say that's a fair assessment?
- Sure.

85
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,102
Uh...

86
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:32,397
Speaking of kids, how's Lucy?

87
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,899
She's doing great.
She just won the Gwendolyn Brooks prize

88
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,734
for her poem on the Statue of Liberty.

89
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:39,195
That is great. Lucy is great.

90
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,947
John and I were a thing for a year.

91
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,366
How do you know she's great?
You never met her.

92
00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:46,136
I mean, you were supposed to meet her,
but you backed out.

93
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,287
She backed out, new guy.

94
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,497
I had every intention
of meeting her, all right?

95
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,375
I just, uh... overslept.

96
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:56,337
I even had a book I was gonna give her.
<i>Emily of New Moon.</i>

97
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,422
I love that book.

98
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:59,048
Why'd you even bring her up though?

99
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,342
You're supposed to ask people
about their kids. Okay?

100
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,595
It's polite. It gives everybody a moment
to pretend there's gonna be a future.

101
00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,472
- I'm gonna get a seltzer.
- Okay.

102
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:08,641
Oh, hey, they have alcohol
over there too, so...

103
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,165
No, no, no, no, no. That's his deal.

104
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,729
He's like sober, white-knuckling it
so he doesn't drink.

105
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,092
That's why he's such an asshole.

106
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,524
Oh, I thought it was
because you were pissing him off.

107
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:20,028
Alan, sexualizing self-hatred
is the hallmark of any relationship

108
00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,904
that begins with extra-marital infidelity.

109
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:25,992
You skipped out on meeting his daughter
and you broke up his marriage?

110
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,168
With the amount of guilt,
I'm surprised you're not a Jew.

111
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,294
Thanks, man.

112
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,179
- What?
- Let's do it.

113
00:05:47,221 --> 00:05:48,348
Let's meet Lucy.

114
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:51,642
I wanted you to meet her
when we were together.

115
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:53,226
Please?

116
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:55,562
Okay.

117
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,399
I have breakfast with her
every Monday and Friday.

118
00:05:58,858 --> 00:05:59,984
Tomorrow morning then.

119
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,115
Thank you.

120
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,745
I think there's
a lot of merit in copying.

121
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,289
I'm interested
in plagiarism as an art form.

122
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,166
But haven't you wondered why visual art

123
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,835
no longer carries
the weight it did 30 years ago?

124
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,421
- I've literally never wondered that.
- The internet.

125
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:22,715
AIDS.

126
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:28,763
The AIDS crisis, it wiped out nearly every
meaningful critical voice in every medium.

127
00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:35,395
So now, the artist's intention
is buried in a sea of likes and thumbs up.

128
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,355
But if the intention's still there...

129
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,690
If it's clear, it doesn't matter
what the critic thinks.

130
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,150
What are you, a collector?

131
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,735
I don't really understand art.

132
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,780
My dad used to say that I don't have
a single creative bone in my body.

133
00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:47,532
So we're talking about your dad now.

134
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,450
I'm really into dads.

135
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,203
- I'm a dad.
- Ah.

136
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,914
- You want a refill?
- Yes, Dad.

137
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,208
You keep that, I'll get another one.

138
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:04,674
I'm not really good at this stuff.

139
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,926
You seem to be
so comfortable with yourself.

140
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,219
Bringing up AIDS at a party.

141
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,462
I'd never have the balls to do that.

142
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,099
Is that what she likes about you?

143
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:14,976
I'll tell you what.

144
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:18,396
If you would politely excuse yourself...

145
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,648
I might be able to find out.

146
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,150
Thank you.

147
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,421
Pancake breakfasts...

148
00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:44,797
private cars...

149
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:49,677
You know, all my mother gave me
was a subway token and an eating disorder.

150
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:51,721
You're a good dad.

151
00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:53,764
She's gonna be great.

152
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,225
But, you know, it's a tricky age.

153
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,519
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

154
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,981
I was right about that age
when life stopped making sense.

155
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:05,526
Hey, all I wanted to do was be left alone,
hole up with books all day.

156
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:06,903
Man, you know what?

157
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,155
I still got <i>Emily of New Moon</i>
at Ruth's house.

158
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:12,366
I think I should just go grab it
and give it to her. Ah?

159
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,744
It's late. How about we give it to her
another time?

160
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,579
Come on, man. I'd like to do it tonight.

161
00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:34,555
She's just fucking everybody,
and I'm watching like an idiot.

162
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:46,107
Sorry.

163
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,152
What time is it?

164
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,529
Uh, 6:00 a.m.

165
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:51,364
Oh, my gosh.

166
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:54,158
I'm gonna go to Ruth's
and get that book for Lucy, okay?

167
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,452
- I'll see you at breakfast.
- Okay, babe.

168
00:08:58,829 --> 00:08:59,664
You okay?

169
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,958
My bones hurt every morning.

170
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,585
You should get checked for Lyme disease.

171
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,129
Damn it.

172
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,006
God.

173
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,721
- Hey, did you find it?
- Yes.

174
00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,725
Way in the back of the armoire.

175
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:01,642
Ooh.

176
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,686
Ah, thank you.

177
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:04,937
Okay.

178
00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:07,690
You know I keep all your stuff.

179
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:11,861
I even have the Valentine's Day card
you made me in fourth grade.

180
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,281
I mean, your mother
was a little unstable around that time,

181
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:17,533
and oh, I told her, I told her,

182
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,786
I'm not trying to replace anyone.

183
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,830
I'm just trying to be here

184
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:25,875
for a little girl
who could use a little help.

185
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:30,004
It was the decent thing to do.

186
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,087
Sure.

187
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,674
Oh, oh, oh.
Did you lock the door behind you?

188
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:34,758
Yes, I did.

189
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,680
Hey, Ruth, if you were gonna die today,

190
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:42,016
would you be ready for it?

191
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:45,353
Like would you feel at peace
with your life?

192
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,436
Yes and no.

193
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:49,649
So, how do you get to just yes?

194
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,149
You don't.

195
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:55,863
See, holding two incompatible ideas
in your head at the same time

196
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:58,991
and accepting both of them...

197
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,118
that's the best of being human.

198
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:06,332
Yes, no, good, bad, life, death.

199
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,584
Wax on, wax off.

200
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,670
Tomato, tomato.

201
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,505
- Potato, two potatoes.
- Okay.

202
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:14,548
- All night, all day.
- Okay, okay, okay.

203
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:15,883
- Okay, okay.
- Right?

204
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,218
- Okay, okay.
- Come on.

205
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:19,136
Look. Right now,

206
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,306
I'm looking at you as you are today

207
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:26,852
while also looking at you
as that peculiar little girl I knew.

208
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,399
Happy Valentine's Day.

209
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,401
Oh! There it is.

210
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:34,484
Well...

211
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:36,654
I may not be a mom,

212
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,824
but, hey, damn, I got this.

213
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:41,218
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

214
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,619
Look, she's smoking, like you. Get it?

215
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,163
And St. Valentine was a big smoker.
Everybody knows that.

216
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,331
Oh, yeah.

217
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,167
Fucking bingo.

218
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:53,713
It's here.

219
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:57,174
You know, that was written by the same
woman that wrote <i>Anne of Green Gables.</i>

220
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,258
Yeah, of course.

221
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:00,636
Everybody loves Anne,

222
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,431
but I like Emily.

223
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,514
She's dark.

224
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,394
- You lock the door behind you?
- Yes.

225
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,438
You already asked me that, Ruthie.

226
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,190
Oh, I know. My memory's slipping.

227
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:17,153
There's... There's somebody
in the neighborhood.

228
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:20,781
I am making you tea.

229
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:23,409
But, personally,
I wouldn't touch the stuff.

230
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,244
"She despised Rhoda...

231
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,038
more than ever
for trying to get back with her."

232
00:12:28,622 --> 00:12:31,250
You know, Rhoda was the cunt
in this story, obviously.

233
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,501
Here we are.

234
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,721
Fucking God damn it, man.

235
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,444
- Gas explosion.
- Bike accident.

236
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:00,407
Listen, I know you think
I'm a moral narcissist,

237
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,406
but there are good guys and bad guys.

238
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,366
And I am definitely a good guy.

239
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,994
And that piece of shit, he...

240
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,288
he is a bad guy.

241
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:12,958
Okay, so then why are you
the one in purgatory?

242
00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:16,462
Hey, happy birthday.

243
00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:17,630
John.

244
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,548
<i>Quelle surprise.</i>

245
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,801
So, listen. Uh, remember
when I stood up Lucy

246
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,804
and you've been secretly
resenting me ever since?

247
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,971
Let's take her to breakfast
tomorrow morning,

248
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,390
make everything kosher copacetic, okay?

249
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,310
We can go to my place.

250
00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,813
Let's take the fire escape.

251
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:36,357
It'll be fun.

252
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,317
What's that?

253
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,735
- Come on.
- Whoa.

254
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,030
You gotta stop getting
so worked up over him.

255
00:13:43,113 --> 00:13:45,324
You've spent enough time
on this guy already.

256
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,701
I know it's a bummer, but come on.

257
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:48,786
Oh, yeah.

258
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:50,913
Yeah, it is a bummer.

259
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,790
It is a bummer for everybody involved,

260
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:54,250
except, it seems, to be for you,

261
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,001
which, you know, doesn't make any sense,

262
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:59,088
because if anybody deserves to be punished

263
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,340
for the rest of their fucking life,
it is you.

264
00:14:01,423 --> 00:14:03,133
You are fucking garbage,

265
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,010
and someone needs to bag you up,

266
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,555
take you outside,
throw you into the East River,

267
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:10,432
and put everyone
who can smell your fucking stench

268
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,309
out of their goddamn misery!

269
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:13,227
God!

270
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,770
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey!

271
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,856
- Yeah!
- Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

272
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:20,192
I don't know who the fuck you are,
I don't know what's going on here,

273
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:23,237
but either you two suck each other's dicks
or get out of my apartment.

274
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,823
Okay? Come on.

275
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,536
I'm not sucking anybody's dick.

276
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:33,664
Bea, he's a sex addict.

277
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:36,542
- <i>Who?</i>
- Michael. Mike. Your Mike. Your Michael.

278
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:40,212
Alan, you're so fucking drunk right now.
I'm not gonna do this with you.

279
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,090
- I am not, okay?
<i>- Bea, he's a sex addict.</i>

280
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:45,759
Don't bother calling me back,
'cause you're not gonna be sober.

281
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,136
- You need help.
- Please, Bea.

282
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,320
- Gas explosion again.
- Again?

283
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,113
I get hit by a car.

284
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:07,406
Oh, classic.

285
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:08,489
Hey, wait a second.

286
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:11,160
Are you telling me
that you're never dying on the stairs?

287
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,494
No.

288
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,539
Are you some kind
of a fucking superhero or just a...

289
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,583
Do you think that we're dying
at the same time?

290
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:19,668
Hey, happy birthday.

291
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:21,794
Give me one second.

292
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:38,103
- Up with Susan?
- Yeah, 'cause she was like doing that.

293
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,981
- What?
- She was choking her during sex.

294
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:41,899
Oh!

295
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:44,026
Yeah, she's a choker and shit.

296
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,109
Yeah.

297
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:46,654
It's kind of hot.

298
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,281
I mean, it is kind of hot,
but then the stalking started.

299
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,950
- That's not hot.
- Yeah.

300
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:56,246
This guy's been following us
for like five blocks.

301
00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:00,501
What the hell are you even...

302
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:02,211
Back the fuck up, motherfucker!

303
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:06,966
I said back the fuck up, motherfucker!
Back the fuck up, motherfucker! Back up!

304
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,676
Let's go! Let's go!

305
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,355
Three-one-one, you guys rock.

306
00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:24,316
Listen, uh, I'd like to report a gas leak.

307
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,734
Yeah.

308
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,278
Yes, it is urgent.

309
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:29,530
Uh-huh.

310
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:32,282
You know, it's a big-time
fucking emergency, actually.

311
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:55,681
Nadia!

312
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,851
Oh, God. Look at me. Look at...

313
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,145
Oh! Nadia, no! Honey, please!

314
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:03,772
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

315
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,399
I thought it was a burglar.

316
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:08,944
They've been saying
there's somebody in the neighborhood.

317
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:18,495
Fuck.

318
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,082
Oh, fuck.

319
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:27,171
Fuck.

320
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,446
You think he's gonna propose?

321
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:54,239
That's a bummer.

322
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:57,784
Yeah.

323
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:00,370
That's right.

324
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:01,955
Hi. I'm Alan.

325
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,959
- Yeah, I'm on the phone.
- Yeah, with my girlfriend.

326
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:07,543
Beatrice.

327
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:11,298
Bea, uh...
I'm gonna... I'm gonna call you back.

328
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,760
- Listen.
- Why you?

329
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:16,637
Why me what?

330
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:17,720
Bea.

331
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:21,100
She chose you, and you don't love her.
You're not faithful.

332
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:22,976
You never get punished.

333
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:24,352
So why you?

334
00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:27,731
She didn't choose me, Alan.

335
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,860
The only choice she made was not you.

336
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,321
Nobody chooses me.

337
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,367
I'm the hole where a choice should be.

338
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:45,207
Oh, God. Alan.

339
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,084
I had a mace-induced asthma attack. You?

340
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,087
What if they keep going?

341
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,006
- Who? Who keeps going?
- Them.

342
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,467
I mean, everyone who's not us.

343
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,178
All right, I thought
that what was happening to us

344
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,013
wasn't hurting anybody else, but...

345
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,267
...I mean, they're all in it, too.

346
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:04,350
What?

347
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,396
Fifteen times, Ruth has grieved for me.

348
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:11,608
In 15 universes, she's alone.

349
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,403
Wait. It's 15 for you, too? Did you count?

350
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,155
I know how to count, Alan.

351
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,407
Hey, happy birthday.

352
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,576
Hey. Okay, listen to me.

353
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:24,496
We are leaving,
and I am not going to get the book.

354
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:28,625
I'm going to tell your daughter
about <i>Emily of New Moon.</i>

355
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,586
- Understand?
- Yeah.

356
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,063
- Can you help me with this?
- Sure.

357
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,463
Sorry, I gotta make a call.

358
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,219
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God.

359
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,556
You want me to feel guilty?

360
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,140
Well, I don't.

361
00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:47,227
I am not Beatrice's boyfriend.
That was your job.

362
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,605
Look, I know it's not up to me
to punish you.

363
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,024
But I don't have to make this
easy for you.

364
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,067
Who is Beatrice?
You know what? I don't care.

365
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,571
Listen, I have an early flight
to Sweden in the morning,

366
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,781
so you need to get out
so I can get it in.

367
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,033
Whatever.

368
00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:05,454
If it wasn't you,
it would be some other woman.

369
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:06,997
Do I look like I care?

370
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,750
- I... I wasn't trying to insult you, ma'am.
- Fuck you.

371
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,298
She told me all about you, you know?

372
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,677
That you have mental problems,
that you're sick and you won't get help,

373
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,179
and she couldn't break up with you

374
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,264
because she was afraid
you would do something.

375
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:25,974
She calls you the gingerbread man.

376
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,894
She can call me whatever she wants.

377
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:03,720
I'll be right back, okay?

378
00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:11,310
There she is.

379
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,104
John, man.

380
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,530
This kid just gave me the finger.

381
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,032
She's perfect.

382
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:27,202
Luce, say hi.

383
00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:30,330
Say hi, baby. Say hi.

384
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:32,082
Pancake time.

385
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:33,792
Okay, John.

386
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,004
- Be careful.
- With what?

387
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:40,464
What's wrong?

388
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,719
I'm sorry, I can't do this.

389
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,887
- Do what?
- I can't meet her.

390
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:47,331
I could die in front of her, John.

391
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:48,223
- Die?
- Yes.

392
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,726
- What are you gonna die from?
- I don't know. The grate.

393
00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:54,521
A car could run me over.
I mean, best case scenario, I...

394
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:57,065
...disappear.

395
00:21:58,108 --> 00:22:00,652
Don't do this.
Okay, please, I'm begging you.

396
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:01,736
Don't do this to her.

397
00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:04,132
I can't have people
coming in and out of her life like this.

398
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,950
Exactly, all right? I'm not rejecting her.
I'm protecting her.

399
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:10,120
Don't do this to her, please. Okay?
Don't do it to me.

400
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:13,040
I'm begging you. I love you.
Please don't do this.

401
00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:15,876
Just come and say hi. Just say hi.

402
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,628
I wish I could. I really do.

403
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,464
I wish I could, okay?

404
00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:22,841
Sorry. I'm sorry about everything.

405
00:22:22,924 --> 00:22:24,760
All right? I got to go. I got to go.

406
00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:35,062
Is cyanide sweet, though?

407
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:37,606
Is that why Jim Jones
put it in the Kool-Aid?

408
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:39,524
So the kids can't taste it?

409
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,401
Jonestown was bonkers.

410
00:22:47,949 --> 00:22:49,534
- Right?
- Yeah.

411
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,661
But it's huge. I don't know.

412
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,731
Wait, nothing we do
will be as devastating as that.

413
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,291
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe...

414
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:58,126
I should start a religion.

415
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:00,545
Come on, man.

416
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:02,923
Please don't be fucking dead.

417
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:05,883
Fuck.

418
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:10,764
Yay. Uh...

419
00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:14,142
I'd like to report a gas leak...
every fucking day, please.

420
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,436
Every day I'd like to report a gas leak.

421
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,897
Sorry for cursing. It's Ruth Brenner.

422
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:21,817
B.R.E.N.N.E.R, 311 East 12th.

423
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:22,900
Thank you.

424
00:23:23,318 --> 00:23:24,318
Hey.

425
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,738
- Did you die?
- Did you die?

426
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:27,864
No.

427
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:30,409
I think we're dying at the same time.

428
00:23:33,995 --> 00:23:39,459
<i>♪ All I need is some sunshine</i> ♪

429
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:46,341
<i>♪ All I need ♪</i>

430
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:53,348
<i>♪ All I need is some sunshine ♪</i>

431
00:23:54,891 --> 00:24:00,313
<i>♪ All I need ♪</i>

432
00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:12,367
<i>♪ The siren call beyond the treeline ♪</i>

433
00:24:15,871 --> 00:24:17,372
<i>♪ With another one ♪</i>